Listen between the lines
I came across this articulate and touching piece of writing when I was scrolling mindlessly through my Instagram feed the other night, and my heart stopped.
“ Since it’s suicide awareness month, I thought I would share my relationship with suicide. Suicide is a tough word and hard to say because it is such a horrible thing, but it’s real and the people you would least expect struggle with it. I first started struggling with suicidal thoughts when I was 11 years old, whenever I was upset I would always go back to that same thought but knew that I was different because I actually wanted to follow through with it. At the age of 12 I went to hospital for the first time because of a mental breakdown where I admitted to my parents that I was attempting and that I didn’t want to live anymore. Over the next few months, I was in and out of hospital, struggling with those horrible thoughts everyday. I was convinced that I was going to attempt until it worked. One of my regular trips to the hospital for mental breaking down ended up a long night of me physically fighting with my parents and nurses. I was rushed to the Melbourne hospital where I was sent to a children’s mental health ward. I was the only kid in there and I hated it. I felt lost, I acted happy in the ward but I was looking for things all around that I could attempt with. I didn’t want to live. After a week in the mental ward I was sent home, where I was still going in and out of the local hospital. After a long tiring year of attempts, hospital trips, psychologist trips and mental breakdowns I had to go into high school. Keep in mind that I missed about 3 terms of school because of my suicidal thoughts. When I turned 13 I decided that I wanted to change, I wanted to live and I wanted to make a difference, I wanted to tell my story; so here I am now... 14 and happy as ever. I haven’t had suicidal thoughts in months and I am so so happy that my attempts failed. Suicide is not the answer. Trust me, it will get better and there is light at the end of the tunnel”
I felt panicked, I felt exposed, I felt proud, and I was forced to re-live all of the bottled-up feelings from the past few years.
This story is my daughter’s. Not some random teenager or famous YouTuber, and not just a story I could simply skim over and think ‘oh, that’s a bit sad’. It has been our reality, and it is still.
Our family has been battling a terminal illness. I do not hesitate to call it that, nor do I take the label lightly. When every waking moment of your life (and some of the sleeping ones) are taken up by the constant worry about where your child is, what they are doing, how they are feeling, what the next best step is, wondering how you can possibly protect them from themselves…the list goes on.
The Brene Brown quote ‘Daring leaders are never silent about hard things’ has come across my radar several times since the night that my daughter’s piece was posted. So I have taken this as a sign that it’s now time to speak out, from the perspective of a parent trying to keep a gravely ill child alive.
I know there must be others out there, silently fighting this battle every day.
To you I say the following:
I understand your frustrations, your hesitations, your exhaustion and your sheer terror.
I see you driving to yet another appointment, stressing about the future, staying up all night reading articles and trying to learn more, checking on your child during the night to make sure they are still breathing, doubting your skills as a capable parent, questioning every interaction you have ever had with your child.
I feel your anger and disappointment at the lack of understanding, resources, information and empathy towards what you are going through. I feel your frustration with health professionals who don’t have the answers and your angst when trying to explain the situation to school/netball coaches/parents of their little friends without betraying their confidence. I feel your disappointment and your sadness when people make judgements and assumptions.
I see you making decisions about treatment, appointments, yet another psych/therapist/doctor/organisation, going through your child’s story again and again and again. One day at a time, keeping them alive.
I see you, I accept you, and I am you.
The worst part is the silence, both self-inflicted and socially-enforced.
When I ask myself why we had to be silent about this, it was always to protect our young & vulnerable daughter. To shield her from any further damage that off-handed, uneducated and ill-informed comments and actions may cause. To ensure that negative reactions from others are not what finally pushes her over the edge. To protect her chances of having a future free of judgement and shame. To make sure she has a future.
Ultimately, it was not our story to tell and we had to make decisions about what felt right for our family. Sometimes these choices made our lives incessantly more difficult, but honestly sometimes it was just easier to be quiet as it meant we didn’t have to fully accept the dire reality of our situation. We were in survival mode where nothing else mattered apart from the next minute, hour, day.
I know that this is a vicious cycle – that staying silent leads to more pain, less understanding and perpetuates the stigma still attached to suicide. But it’s so complicated and often you are so caught up in surviving that you can’t imagine that anyone else could possibly understand.
That’s why it’s important for all people to be open-minded, curious and to educate themselves. If someone is behaving in a manner that you think is unusual, turn towards them and not away from them. Be empathetic and just ask if they are ok. They may not be able to tell you what’s going on, but ‘listen between the lines’ and hold space for them.
If you think that teenagers who talk about suicide attempts or ideation are just ‘attention-seekers’ please unfollow and unfriend me now. Please also give me a call as I’d rather hear it from you than be told that it was said behind our backs, and I’d love to explain that this draconian attitude could cause you to ignore warning signs in an at-risk person. We have been surprised by being harshly judged for our parenting, we have had to justify our actions, make ‘excuses’ for our daughter and many other negative experiences which will take time to heal – but none worse than the possibility of losing our daughter forever.
We realise that during our experiences we have been required to learn a lot, to change our pre-conceived opinions and to accept that mental health is a hugely complex issue. We understand that not everyone has been forced to move through this process and delve deep into all of their values, beliefs and relationships. But there is time to catch up, and it would be great if society could make a concerted effort on this with an open heart. It’s worth it to save even just one life!
There is so much to say on this but I am certainly no expert, plus we are still ‘going through’ this so it’s still pretty real and raw for us. I am clearly not as articulate as my daughter!
It takes enormous courage and vulnerability to speak out about highly personal and emotional issues like this, but it’s vitally important for the health and safety of our children and for our growth as parents, carers and educators. Please take the time to check in with those you love, educate yourself on how to handle tough conversations and help us advocate for increased focus on mental health support (particularly in the rural areas). There is so much urgent work to be done in this space.
If you are going through a tough time, or if this piece (or our daughter’s post) has touched or triggered you in any way then please reach out to us, a friend or a professional. Suicide can and does impact thousands of people each year, and we all need to learn from each other and lean towards one other to address this insidious and silent terminal illness.
As you can see, sometimes it’s the people who you would least expect to struggle with this. But these are the people who we can learn the most from – the survivors.
(If you are wondering about the relevance of this post to CohunaCo - that’s a whole new post for another day!)
If you or somebody else is at immediate risk
For less urgent assistance, contact one of the following support services.
Suicide Call Back Service
Provides free 24/7 telephone, online, and video counselling and crisis support to all Australians affected by suicide.
🌏️ Visit suicidecallbackservice.org.au
Lifeline Australia
Provides free 24/7 online and phone personal crisis support and suicide prevention services to all Australians.
Kids Helpline
Provides free and confidential 24/7 phone and online counselling for children and young people aged between five and 25 years.
eheadspace
Provides email, chat and phone counselling for young people aged between 12 and 25 years. eheadspace operates seven days a week, from 9:00am to 1:00am AEDST.